


Real or Not Real

by raphaelsontiago



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Temporary Amnesia, a lot of sun and moon analogies i apologize, i actually dont know what this is, i dont really have other tags, kinda sad kinda fluffy, lowkey ripped off that one part from the hunger games but thats alright
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 03:37:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7084066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raphaelsontiago/pseuds/raphaelsontiago
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You love me. Real or not real?” Simon’s face softened as he sat up, and Raphael knew he did something wrong. He just knew it. Because Raphael was broken, a monster, and he was stupid to think that he could ever be with Simon, since Simon was the sun. He was warmth, and Raphael was cold, too cold to be loved. </p><p>That was when Simon kissed him. He was always so gentle, caressing Raphael’s face tenderly, like he was fragile. </p><p>Like he could break. </p><p>When he pulled away, Raphael licked his lips, the taste of Simon still lingering. </p><p>“Does that answer your question?” Simon whispered, sincerity shown in all of his features.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Real or Not Real

Raphael never meant to get close to Simon. He had a rule and he stuck to it ever since he was young. Don’t get close to anybody. He learned quickly that attachments were weaknesses, and weaknesses get you killed. Growing up in the 50’s certainly wasn’t easy. Homophobia was rampant and when Raphael never felt any romantic attraction to women, let alone sexual, he had to hide it. He flirted with girls he never pursued to keep up appearances, and soon figured out hiding his true self away was the only way to live. 

Meeting Simon changed that.

The fledgling was annoying and a real piece of work. He paced when he was nervous, he flailed his arms, and, worst of all, he never shut up. 

He was always talking, asking him questions that Raphael definitely didn’t want to answer. He questioned Raphael about anything he could possibly dream of, including, but, unfortunately, not limited to Raphael’s past, vampire biology, his calculus homework, and relationship advice. 

Basically, Simon was a big headache that Raphael couldn’t get rid of. 

However, Simon tore down the walls Raphael had cemented around his heart and made a permanent space for him in his wake. 

“You put too much hair gel in your hair.” Simon sent an easy smile towards his boyfriend. “Real or not real?” 

Raphael rolled his eyes. Simon insisted on playing that nonsense game whenever he got bored. He claimed that it was more entertaining than Truth or Dare since there was no chance of Simon having to streak in the middle of Central Park. It was oddly specific and Raphael briefly wondered who the hell dared Simon to do that in the past but he shrugged it off. If the stupid game made Simon happy, Raphael would play it until the day he died. 

“Real.” He replied after careful consideration. Simon’s eyes lit up as soon as he realized Raphael was playing along. A wide smile stretched across his face and Raphael could feel himself melt. Simon’s smile was as beautiful as the sunrise. With that boy smiling, Raphael didn’t need to see the sun anymore. Not when he had Simon. 

Simon shoved at Raphael’s arm lightly, his grin turning into a pout. 

“I answered your question, baby. What else do you want from me?” Simon let out an exasperated sigh and flopped down on the couch, his head landing in Raphael’s lap. 

“It’s your turn, Raph.” Simon whined, using his best puppy dog eyes. It was moments like these where Raphael swears Simon should’ve been a werewolf. He pulls off the perfect kicked puppy look when the need arises. 

“Fine. You annoy me. Real or not real.” Raphael glanced down at Simon, threading his hands through his hair. 

“Not real.” Simon said immediately. Raphael so badly wanted to tell him he was wrong. In fact, Raphael had spent countless nights in the past trying to convince himself that Simon was an annoyance, when, in reality, Simon was his sun and stars. 

Yes, Simon was the sun, burning bright and fast, shedding light through the entirety of the Hotel Dumort. And Raphael cared about him, whether he admitted it or not.

Because Raphael was the moon, cold yet beautiful. Elegant, yet mysterious. And everyone knows that the moon would do anything for the sun, even give up its place in the sky when the sun asks. 

Luckily for Raphael, Simon never asked. 

Instead, he asked, “You pencil in your eyebrows. Real or not real?” 

Raphael was seriously considering returning to the single life. 

“Not real, idiota.” Simon grinned again and looked at his boyfriend with doubt evident in his eyes.

“Sure, you don’t.” 

They sat there for a moment in comfortable silence, Raphael playing with Simon’s hair, listening to the calm that had finally fallen over the hotel, as Simon closed his eyes, contented. 

Unfortunately, silence meant thinking. Maybe that was one of the reasons he loved Simon’s chatter so much. He fills the silence, delaying Raphael’s musings for just a little while. Simon drowned out the pounding thoughts in his head, and, for that, Raphael was grateful. 

But, now it was silent, and Raphael was reminded that the only reason Simon’s here was because he wasn’t good enough. 

He didn’t stop Camille when he should’ve. Maybe if he overthrew her sooner, Simon would be living his nice mundane life, not having to be afraid of demons or his sire. Maybe if he was more threatening, Simon would have never returned to the Dumort in the first place. Maybe if he wasn’t so fucking useless, Simon would be happier. He saw the look in Simon’s eyes when he was first turned. It had looked like the sun was finally ready to set, and Raphael just couldn’t have that. 

“Simon?” Raphael’s voice wavered, barely audible, but enough.

“Yeah?” Simon whispered, cracking an eye open, a smile still playing at his lips.

“You love me. Real or not real?” Simon’s face softened as he sat up, and Raphael knew he did something wrong. He just knew it. Because Raphael was broken, a monster, and he was stupid to think that he could ever be with Simon, since Simon was the sun. He was warmth, and Raphael was cold, too cold to be loved. 

That was when Simon kissed him. He was always so gentle, caressing Raphael’s face tenderly, like he was fragile. 

Like he could break. 

When he pulled away, Raphael licked his lips, the taste of Simon still lingering. 

“Does that answer your question?” Simon whispered, sincerity shown in all of his features. 

That was a month ago, before the accident. 

It was supposed to be a simple mission. Get in, interrogate the demons, get out. That was what Simon had promised him when he said he was helping his precious shadowhunters. Nowhere in that sentence did he ever mention getting hurt. 

He didn't mention that Clary would have to carry him home, half conscious, black blood covering his mouth. 

Simon had ingested practically gallons of demon blood during their little mission, and he had a nasty gash on his head. 

Raphael saw red. The next he knew, he was screaming at the Fairchild girl to get out and he was cradling Simon, making sure he stayed with him. 

Simon passed out and didn't wake up for three days. Raphael stayed with him all the while, Lily having to force him to get up and eat occasionally. 

When he woke up, Raphael was overjoyed. 

When he woke up, Raphael was just about ready to kiss him. 

When he woke up, Simon didn't even recognize Raphael. 

As it turns out, demon blood stunts healing and Simon’s head injury shouldn't have been overlooked. 

After awaking, Simon spent most of his time locked in his room. Raphael knocked on his door every day since then and left a glass of blood for him to drink. 

The hotel was quiet without the baby vampire’s ramblings. Everyone missed him. The light had been sucked out of their home. 

Without Simon, Raphael threw himself into his work. Work was a good distraction for him. It stopped him from thinking about the glazed, confused look Simon had given him when he woke up. It didn't give him time to remember the break in Simon’s voice when he asked Raphael who he was. 

It prevented Raphael from dwelling on the fact that Simon couldn't remember their life together. 

Raphael was halfway through reworking the alliance with the shadowhunters when he heard quiet footsteps coming from down the hall. He shrugged it off until there was a timid knock on his door. 

“Come in.” He offered, as the door swung open and Simon Lewis inched in, looking more unsure of himself than Raphael had ever seen him. 

Raphael studied Simon carefully, casting his eyes over him from head to toe. Outwardly, Simon was still fidgety as always, and, for a second, Raphael could almost believe that this Simon was the same Simon he always had been. 

“Are you going to stand there or do you have something to say, fledgling?” He meant to say it harshly. He wanted to push Simon away. He wanted to seem cruel, so Simon would leave him alone. So Raphael wouldn't get hurt. However, his tone was soft, caring almost.

“Sorry, Raphael.” Simon looked at his feet and stayed at the door. Raphael sighed and walked over to him. 

Simon’s eyes were rimmed with red, as if he had been crying. 

“What’s wrong, cariño?” Raphael lifted a hand to comfort Simon, but let it fall to his side. This Simon didn’t love him. He didn’t even know him.

“I don’t know.” Simon wiped at his eyes, sniffling quietly. “I don’t know anything.”

Simon breaking right in front of him was a sight Raphael never wanted to witness again.

At that moment, Raphael abandoned every single rule he worked so hard to abide by throughout his life. He pulled Simon into a hug and let him cry into his shoulder. Simon clutched at his jacket and shook, allowing Raphael to rub circles into his back, shushing him and mumbling reassurances into his ear.

Slowly, Simon began to calm, his tremors becoming less violent, as Raphael lead him to another room, where he could relax on the couch. 

“Can you tell me about us?” Simon leaned his head on Raphael’s shoulder, sighing quietly, exhausted. 

“Of course.” Raphael put his arm around Simon. “You had some sort of grudge against my suits. You’ve ruined about seven of them within the last two months.” 

“Sorry.” Simon smiled sheepishly and Raphael couldn’t help but smile back at him. Simon’s smile was contagious and Raphael was never immune to his charm. 

“It’s fine, Simon. I have more jackets after all.” 

“What else?” Simon’s eyes were wide and filled with both curiosity and fear. 

“We watched vampire movies together once then burned the Twilight saga. And you always made me play this stupid game.” Raphael laughed quietly, sadness flickering within him before he pushed it down. The last thing Simon needed was to feel awkward around him, and crying while talking about them in the past would definitely make Simon feel awkward.

“You would say something and then ask me ‘real or not real.’ You thought it was better than Truth or Dare.” He continued.

“Can we play?” Raphael almost shot him down. He was not going to play Simon’s game without. . . well, Simon. But, he looked so hopeful, and Raphael wasn’t going to let Simon get hurt. Not again.

He nodded, and Simon grinned. It felt as if the sun had returned to the Dumort, even just for a short while. 

“You pencil in your eyebrows. Real or not real?” Simon stifled a laugh and Raphael nearly choked. He was so much like Simon that Raphael had to keep reminding himself not to let himself love him as he loved Simon with his memories. 

Unfortunately, Raphael never was any good at following his own rules. 

“Real.” He grumbled, finally admitting the truth to the one person who deserved it. 

“I knew it!” Simon exclaimed, his smile reaching his eyes. “They’re too perfect not to be pencilled in.” 

“Yeah, yeah. You’re jealous of my eyebrows. Real or not real.” Raphael rolled his eyes.

“Not real. My eyebrows are good enough without having to pencil them in, so ha!” Simon’s smile slipped off his face, a frown replacing it. He chewed on his bottom lip nervously, as he looked away from Raphael.

“You love me. Real or not real.” 

Something in Raphael broke then, and he reached out to put a hand on Simon’s cheek. Gently, he turned Simon so he was facing him, and he placed a light kiss to his forehead. A smile ghosted at his lips.

“Does that answer your question?”

And there they sat, the sun and the moon together once more. Although the sun was back in the sky, it was clouded. But the sun knew that, when it fell, the moon would always be there to pick up the pieces.


End file.
